As many of you know, I applied to serve with Peace Corps. This is something I'd been thinking about for a very long time, especially since my short time in Malawi, and after spending a lot of time talking with friends who have gone through the program, it seemed like the right time. I have long been interested in the developing world and serving others there. I actually applied back in October and had my interview in December. And then I waited.
and waited.
and waited.
And about a month ago, I received an email from my recruiter. I was not placed. She has withdrawn my application.
This has been extremely devastating and deeply frustrating. The days that followed were full of tears and lacking sound sleep. My immediate reaction was that I didn't want anyone to know. At that time, it's honestly because I was embarrassed. Who gets rejected from Peace Corps? What's wrong with me? How did this happen? What am I going to do? All questions that I didn't particularly want to answer, and still don't. It took a couple of weeks for this news to sink in and not completely overwhelm me every day. I still can't get it off my mind though.
I want to apologize to those of you who have asked me about this in the past month. I carefully responded to almost all of you, "I'm still waiting" because in a way, I am. I'm planning on reactivating my application and going through the placement process again, in hopes of a better outcome. I am sorry for misleading you, but I hope you can understand how much I've been struggling with this.
Eventually the embarrassment gave way to a nasty cycle of self-doubt, which continued my strong feelings of not telling anyone. While I've been rejected from tons of jobs in the past year, this one really hurt. This is something I was really excited for, really confident about and really looking forward to. I've been feeling rather low about myself. I know I am totally blessed with a lot of loving, encouraging people in my life, but in spending all of this time thinking about this whole situation, I also realized that what I need right now in my life is not pep talks, which is what lead me to continue not telling anyone. I don't actually think I'm a terrible person, in fact, in general, I think my education and experience are pretty great and that I'm a relatively qualified citizen of earth. I'm ok. But I am struggling with this, and trying to convince me that I am not loser only makes me feel worse for feeling bad in the first place. It's an ugly cycle, I know, but I'm being honest-- that's where I am with this.
If you're reading this, there's a good chance that you care enough about me to just keep being who you are in my life, which is what I really need right now. I still don't really want to talk about this, and I'm really hoping that this reactivation leads to much happier news soon.
I have written and rewritten this several times now, and the words never seem quite right, but I think I'm just going to share it as is, because it's quite a weight I've been carrying and I'm hoping that unloading it will be the first step into the next awesome part of my life, whatever it may be.
12 March 2012
11 March 2012
Nothing like driving across the state, through the Pines, on Route 70, enjoying the last of a beautiful day's sunshine, having three of your favorite girls in the recently cleaned car with you. Also awesome-- the destination was the Haddonfield Presbyterian Church, one of my stops on the Johnsonburg World Tour last year, to enjoy the beautiful concert put on by Baylor A Capella. Great day.
winding down 571
Yesterday I took a trip out to Princeton to help my friend Pam with a research project. I've mentioned before that when I go to Princeton, I prefer to take a winding county road, Route 571. It goes through the Pine Barrens a bit before some old farmland before getting out to Princeton. It takes nearly twice as long but it's so pleasant to drive.
Pam needed to interview me for a research project about Harry Potter. It was actually a great conversation. Afterward, we met up with several other Princeton people (mostly seminarians) for lunch. Jeffrey, Emma, Kate, Pam, Andrew and I enjoyed some soup and sandwiches and ridiculous conversation about camp and youth ministry and other silliness. Andrew was telling me about this awesome park in Princeton with dozens and dozens of exotic trees (and natives! and all mapped and labelled!) that he and some of our friends recently went to before ending their adventures at Triumph Brewery. I told him it sounded like the best day ever, and he said, "Funny you should say that..." and then gave me the quote of my life that had apparently come up amongst the boys at the brewery that night--
"If someone ever wanted to wine and dine Colleen, that's probably how they should do that."
Except instead of "wine and dine" it should probably be "tree and beer". And he's absolutely right.
I'm still getting over my cold from last week, otherwise we probably would have gone to Triumph for lunch.
My drive home on 571 was absolutely lovely, winding through Mercer, Monmouth and Ocean counties. This time I was particularly taken with Roosevelt Township, a homestead resettlement project under the New Deal in 1937. The project failed, but it's a nice small town with a lot of farmland around it, much of which is preserved. It was a beautiful day and a nice drive. I love visiting Princeton.
Pam needed to interview me for a research project about Harry Potter. It was actually a great conversation. Afterward, we met up with several other Princeton people (mostly seminarians) for lunch. Jeffrey, Emma, Kate, Pam, Andrew and I enjoyed some soup and sandwiches and ridiculous conversation about camp and youth ministry and other silliness. Andrew was telling me about this awesome park in Princeton with dozens and dozens of exotic trees (and natives! and all mapped and labelled!) that he and some of our friends recently went to before ending their adventures at Triumph Brewery. I told him it sounded like the best day ever, and he said, "Funny you should say that..." and then gave me the quote of my life that had apparently come up amongst the boys at the brewery that night--
"If someone ever wanted to wine and dine Colleen, that's probably how they should do that."
Except instead of "wine and dine" it should probably be "tree and beer". And he's absolutely right.
I'm still getting over my cold from last week, otherwise we probably would have gone to Triumph for lunch.
My drive home on 571 was absolutely lovely, winding through Mercer, Monmouth and Ocean counties. This time I was particularly taken with Roosevelt Township, a homestead resettlement project under the New Deal in 1937. The project failed, but it's a nice small town with a lot of farmland around it, much of which is preserved. It was a beautiful day and a nice drive. I love visiting Princeton.
05 March 2012
This morning I drove the guest director from yesterday's bell festival to Philadelphia airport. I had a few hours before work and our director, who organizes the festival, really needed someone to drive. I like driving. It worked out well.
I've driven out Route 70 through the Pine Barrens many, many times but tend to pick out different things to focus on each time. Today I was kind of contemplating the back roads that I never take, and what they're like.
On the way out to the airport, I passed a terrible wreck around 11:15 and probably ten emergency vehicles. A pickup was wrapped around a tree on the eastbound side, facing westbound. It was clear to me that the driver could not have survived. I have no idea how the truck went off the road like that in the middle of a clear, dry day.
The mess was still there when I was coming back from the airport two hours later. Traffic was being diverted onto one of those very side roads I was curious about. It was a single lane road that went by a few simple houses. A man was out for a run and probably wondering where all of these cars were coming from. It was interesting to get off Route 70 for a few minutes, but unfortunately a very sad reminder that despite my cold, despite my aches from the weekend, despite how tired I was and didn't feel like going to work later-- my day was most definitely not so bad.
I've driven out Route 70 through the Pine Barrens many, many times but tend to pick out different things to focus on each time. Today I was kind of contemplating the back roads that I never take, and what they're like.
On the way out to the airport, I passed a terrible wreck around 11:15 and probably ten emergency vehicles. A pickup was wrapped around a tree on the eastbound side, facing westbound. It was clear to me that the driver could not have survived. I have no idea how the truck went off the road like that in the middle of a clear, dry day.
The mess was still there when I was coming back from the airport two hours later. Traffic was being diverted onto one of those very side roads I was curious about. It was a single lane road that went by a few simple houses. A man was out for a run and probably wondering where all of these cars were coming from. It was interesting to get off Route 70 for a few minutes, but unfortunately a very sad reminder that despite my cold, despite my aches from the weekend, despite how tired I was and didn't feel like going to work later-- my day was most definitely not so bad.
Leader of the Year
Now that I work four part-time jobs and have one unpaid internship, the adventures have unfortunately been kept to a minimum. However, this past weekend was Jr. High Wintercamp at Lake Champion, which is not my favorite place in the world but I do love our middle school youth group and the hilarity that ensues when taking them on adventures...
I actually left earlier than our group on Friday because I needed to be back earlier than our group on Sunday for the annual handbell festival at church. Mike kindly agreed to drive up with me. We left well ahead of rush hour, so had enough time to stop at Johnsonburg because I 1. wanted to hike, 2. wanted to say hello, 3. am constantly campsick and 4. why not, it wasn't that far out of the way. After a pleasant afternoon of Red Trail, hanging out by the fireplace with Kate from Princeton, pizza with the retreat staff and tea with Kurt, Lorelei, Tadd and Abi, we carried on to Glen Spey, New York to register our group for the retreat and await their arrival.
Doug, Katie and fourteen of our middle schoolers arrived in good time, unpacked and immediately got going. At the first leaders' meeting, I volunteered myself and one of our youth for an on-stage activity without listening to what the game was-- turns out it was pie roulette. Thankfully, I was able to slam a whipped cream pie in my kid's face and leave the stage before anyone could get me.
We were extremely fortunate to have sunny, blue skies despite strong predictions of heavy rains. Saturday was a beautiful day. A bit windy, a bit chilly, but it's winter and it was just nice to be able to hang out with the group in the sunshine. My favorite part was probably when they were all exploring the rocky little stream by the bridge; I'd told them to stay away from it in the morning because I didn't want to deal with cold, soggy children, but when I was elsewhere in the afternoon, they wandered down and told me upon catching them there, "Mike said it was ok." Mike did not say it was ok, but I told them fine, as long as there was no whining when they fell in. Many fell in. None whined. It was very peaceful and pleasant just watching them enjoy being outside and in each other's company.
Evening came. After the last group meeting on Saturday night, the retreat traditionally has a skit night lead by various leaders. This year they had something called the Leader Challenge instead. Because I have lots of enthusiasm and no shame, I volunteered for our group. The Challenge went something like this--
Round 1: Relay. All of the leaders were corralled on the stage in the front of the room and given various tasks to complete and be one of the first eight to return to the stage. Tasks included, "Go back to your youth group and return with a scarf tied around your head" (for once in my life I did not bring a scarf, nor did any of our people, so I ran to the youth group where someone tied a jacket around my head-- the leaders accepted it, and I passed the first round); "Go touch the back wall of the room and put on three sweatshirts from your youth group" (almost thwarted by my group's enthusiasm-- they kept putting the sweatshirts on me, one arm through a sleeve, one arm through the neck hole. Every time. I won this round anyway.). Several other ridiculous feats later, the task was to touch the back wall and return to the stage with a youth on our backs. Thankfully, my youth group had one teensy hyperactive child who was perfect for that job. Unfortunately, the final task was to do a lap around the room with said youth on my back, which would have been fine had I not badly pulled my left quad at some point during the round. That was the only part I lost.
Round 2: Trivia. Specifically, middle school trivia. Also, the challenge leaders sprayed us in the face with water guns while we answered, because a room full of screaming junior high kids wasn't enough. Luckily, my questions were, "Who was Woody's owner in Toy Story?" and "What team does Tim Tebow play for" (which I admit, I second guessed myself-- which horse team? Colts? Broncos? But one of our youth group boys was thankfully doing star jumps and screaming BRONCOS! BRONCOS! at the top of his lungs) and "Name the 13 original colonies" (which I admit now that I got wrong in the insanity of the moment, but the guys seemed impressed enough that I was able to quickly name 13 old, east coast states and accepted it... I said Maine but left out Georgia. My bad.). I think the only reason I made it past this round was because it was down to three of us (they needed two) and the girl before me was asked to name all four Beatles... which she didn't seem to be able to do while being sprayed with water and screamed at by all of the middle schoolers, but my kids helped by yelling things like, "ADAM SANDLER! BILLY JOEL!"
Round 3: the pies. It was down to me and one other girl. We were plastic wrapped from our shoulders to our ankles and laid face down on the stage. A line of whipped cream pies was set up, and the object was to squirm our way up the stage and plant our faces in each one along the way. Remember the all the enthusiasm/none of the shame moment? I owned the competition and was crowned Leader Of The Year.
There was also a redemption round for all of the people who didn't win--
Round 4: the mayonnaise. Thankfully it wasn't really mayo, but plain yogurt in little mayo jars that we had to eat with our hands. I won this too.
The weather was beautiful and as always, I am so so thankful to have such amazing youth. Despite coming down with a really rough cold and being covered with bruises and I'm pretty sure there's still whipped cream up my nose and in my ear, we had a pretty great time together.
I actually left earlier than our group on Friday because I needed to be back earlier than our group on Sunday for the annual handbell festival at church. Mike kindly agreed to drive up with me. We left well ahead of rush hour, so had enough time to stop at Johnsonburg because I 1. wanted to hike, 2. wanted to say hello, 3. am constantly campsick and 4. why not, it wasn't that far out of the way. After a pleasant afternoon of Red Trail, hanging out by the fireplace with Kate from Princeton, pizza with the retreat staff and tea with Kurt, Lorelei, Tadd and Abi, we carried on to Glen Spey, New York to register our group for the retreat and await their arrival.
Doug, Katie and fourteen of our middle schoolers arrived in good time, unpacked and immediately got going. At the first leaders' meeting, I volunteered myself and one of our youth for an on-stage activity without listening to what the game was-- turns out it was pie roulette. Thankfully, I was able to slam a whipped cream pie in my kid's face and leave the stage before anyone could get me.
We were extremely fortunate to have sunny, blue skies despite strong predictions of heavy rains. Saturday was a beautiful day. A bit windy, a bit chilly, but it's winter and it was just nice to be able to hang out with the group in the sunshine. My favorite part was probably when they were all exploring the rocky little stream by the bridge; I'd told them to stay away from it in the morning because I didn't want to deal with cold, soggy children, but when I was elsewhere in the afternoon, they wandered down and told me upon catching them there, "Mike said it was ok." Mike did not say it was ok, but I told them fine, as long as there was no whining when they fell in. Many fell in. None whined. It was very peaceful and pleasant just watching them enjoy being outside and in each other's company.
Evening came. After the last group meeting on Saturday night, the retreat traditionally has a skit night lead by various leaders. This year they had something called the Leader Challenge instead. Because I have lots of enthusiasm and no shame, I volunteered for our group. The Challenge went something like this--
Round 1: Relay. All of the leaders were corralled on the stage in the front of the room and given various tasks to complete and be one of the first eight to return to the stage. Tasks included, "Go back to your youth group and return with a scarf tied around your head" (for once in my life I did not bring a scarf, nor did any of our people, so I ran to the youth group where someone tied a jacket around my head-- the leaders accepted it, and I passed the first round); "Go touch the back wall of the room and put on three sweatshirts from your youth group" (almost thwarted by my group's enthusiasm-- they kept putting the sweatshirts on me, one arm through a sleeve, one arm through the neck hole. Every time. I won this round anyway.). Several other ridiculous feats later, the task was to touch the back wall and return to the stage with a youth on our backs. Thankfully, my youth group had one teensy hyperactive child who was perfect for that job. Unfortunately, the final task was to do a lap around the room with said youth on my back, which would have been fine had I not badly pulled my left quad at some point during the round. That was the only part I lost.
Round 2: Trivia. Specifically, middle school trivia. Also, the challenge leaders sprayed us in the face with water guns while we answered, because a room full of screaming junior high kids wasn't enough. Luckily, my questions were, "Who was Woody's owner in Toy Story?" and "What team does Tim Tebow play for" (which I admit, I second guessed myself-- which horse team? Colts? Broncos? But one of our youth group boys was thankfully doing star jumps and screaming BRONCOS! BRONCOS! at the top of his lungs) and "Name the 13 original colonies" (which I admit now that I got wrong in the insanity of the moment, but the guys seemed impressed enough that I was able to quickly name 13 old, east coast states and accepted it... I said Maine but left out Georgia. My bad.). I think the only reason I made it past this round was because it was down to three of us (they needed two) and the girl before me was asked to name all four Beatles... which she didn't seem to be able to do while being sprayed with water and screamed at by all of the middle schoolers, but my kids helped by yelling things like, "ADAM SANDLER! BILLY JOEL!"
Round 3: the pies. It was down to me and one other girl. We were plastic wrapped from our shoulders to our ankles and laid face down on the stage. A line of whipped cream pies was set up, and the object was to squirm our way up the stage and plant our faces in each one along the way. Remember the all the enthusiasm/none of the shame moment? I owned the competition and was crowned Leader Of The Year.
There was also a redemption round for all of the people who didn't win--
Round 4: the mayonnaise. Thankfully it wasn't really mayo, but plain yogurt in little mayo jars that we had to eat with our hands. I won this too.
The weather was beautiful and as always, I am so so thankful to have such amazing youth. Despite coming down with a really rough cold and being covered with bruises and I'm pretty sure there's still whipped cream up my nose and in my ear, we had a pretty great time together.
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