a one way ticket to somewhere

Lately, I've been deeply frustrated with many things. Mostly myself.

I am now 27 years old and have yet to find full time work. That in and of itself is an incredibly frustrating thing. To make it worse, the work I do currently have as an adjunct professor ends in two weeks, and I've screwed myself out of a continued appointment in the spring (while I was still being strung along by  holding out hope for waiting on Peace Corps, I declined to sign a new contract for the spring semester, a decision that I quickly questioned and regretted, as I quickly realized it was time to break up with Peace Corps).




All right, I've been trying to articulate how I'm feeling for almost an hour now. I just can't do it. I am sad, and frustrated, and worried, and frustrated, and just sick to death of constantly applying to jobs and being rejected.

Trying to take comfort in the facts that: lately I've been rejected by an actual person reviewing my information and just having other, stronger applicants rather than just getting nixed by the computer in the first round of the application process; I've at least figured out what I might want to be when I grow up and am taking classes and volunteering and networking and working really hard toward it; I have some really great family and friends who encourage and support me at every turn; probably some other things, probably the little things like hiking on beautiful farms and playing fun music with friends and having good lecture moments and the puppy sleeping on my lap right now and the new music Dispatch released today.

I just don't like where I am right now. Unemployment pending, no real plan, and all the frustration.

I don't really think I suck that much. I believe the terminology I've used before is "relatively well qualified citizen of earth". I don't need a pep talk right now. I like to think all of this hard work on my education (BA, MS and now community college coursework), volunteering, trying trying trying to be a decent human being, is going somewhere. Being optimistic is my nature, and even though it's been really, really, really hard lately, I'm still trying to be sunny and positive about my future. It's going somewhere.


You probably thought that was what the title of this post was alluding to, but I did actually buy a one way ticket to Las Vegas (aka I'm going to Arizona). I fly out in exactly a month, on Friday, January 4. I'm not going forever, but I'm going to hang out for an as of yet undetermined amount of time while I figure this all out. At least the company is good, even if I feel like I have nothing else going on.

I know I have other things going on. I'm just really frustrated at the present. And I'm getting even more frustrated that I can't really find the words to explain what's going on in my head right now, so I'm going to stop trying and just post this so you know that we should hang out soon.

This is not my best writing, but that's probably appropriate, because these are not my finest hours.  


EDITED TO ADD: Also neat that this is the 200th post in my blog about being on an adventure. It does not escape me, the juxtaposition between feeling stuck in my life and it being a sort of monumental post in the bigger picture of a grand adventure.

And let me be clear, I do not feel stuck with Mike or Arizona or going to Arizona. Those things are fine and wonderful. I just feel stuck with me.